The Master Garage Opener
by TriforceFlames
Summary: Chapter 5! Hurrah! Somewhat short, for which I appologize...So...summary...several select members of the Super Smash crew and The Lord of the Rings frolic about in another misadventure, filled with random randomness! Good for a laugh, so I've heard.
1. THE BEGINNING! REVISED!

**RANDOM NOTE OF DOOM**: recently (AND RANDOMLY) removed our beloved story "Attack of the Cucoos" because it was in "chat" format. If you'll refer to my profile I have a random blob of complaint pertaining to that. So, for the sake of saving this story, I have decided to change it into non "chat" format. I might even add a new chapter.

After a long period of doing nothing, MirkwoodForest and TriforceFlames return! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! Time to see our favorite heroes (unwillingly) reunited!

Disclaimer: Warning. This is a disclaimer. Beware. It might eat you. Just keep watching it. Yes that's right. Ok, now on to the story.

After our last adventure and the demise of Spock and the Starship Enterprise, everyone finally went home and did other such nonsense to pass the time until the NEXT adventure come along. Now, the beginning of the next GREAT ADVENTURE!

Our story starts in Mirkwood, with EVERYBODY'S (cough) favorite elf- prince-thing. That's right, LEGOLAS! somewhere in the world a fairy dies

"WHO HATH EVOKED THE NAME OF ME!" shrieked Legolas, frolicking into view.

When no on responded, he continued to frolic happily through the forest. Suddenly! He TRIPPED!

"How is it that I, the most beautiful and coordinated elf in all of Middle Earth hath TRIPPED!" He asked incredulously.

**Changing it from the script form ruins the whole thing. Really it does. Thanks a lot random rule.**

Sticking out of the earth was a strange black object.

Legolas pointed dramatically and shouted, "CURSE YOU BLACK OBJECT OF DOOM!" He picked up the object, holding it daintily between his thumb and index finger. "Wait a minute! I CAN SEE MY REFLECTION IN THIS OBJECT! GLORIOUS!" He announced, admiring himself in it. 

Somewhere off in the distance the rest of the Fellowship is trying to force their way into a fortress.

Over the sound of extremely dramatic music, Aragorn cried, "We must hurry! Legolas! We need your help!"

"Do we really?" questioned Frodo, "I mean, what can Legolas do? All he's good for is looking pretty and firing his silly bow and arrow. That won't help us open this drawbridge!"

Gandalf THE GREY nodded wisely, "Yes, I'm afraid that is correct."

"Gandalf, I thought you were white now," commented Frodo.

"Well, I WOULD be if there was such thing as a DRY CLEANERS in Middle Earth!" Gandalf responded. "I AM NOW ANGERED!" random thunder and lightning

"Um." Said The Fellowship minus Legolas who is still admiring his reflection. They all backed away slowly.

Legolas chose this moment to frolic up to the group. "Look!" He declared, "I hath found a glorious instrument with which I can see my reflection whenever the urge strikes me! And that is quite often!" He held up the garage opener, accidentally pressing the button that opens garages.

The random thunder and lightning just so happened to kill the guards and hit the thing that unwinds the chains to lower the drawbridge.

The drawbridge lowers.

"HURRAH!" rejoiced The Fellowship.

"How on Middle Earth did that happen?" Samwise GAMGEE asked.

The group pondered, then Aragorn spoke up, "Hm. Well, it must have been Legolas's glorious device with which he can view his reflection whenever the urge strikes him!"

"That's a really long and obnoxious name," remarked Merry.

" And I'm too stupid to remember it," Gimli remarked stupidly. Suddenly he saw a forest. "MUST HACK TREES INTO LITTLE PIECES! RWARARRR!" He shouted as he ran towards the forest, axe raised.

"NO GIMLI!" Legolas cried. "That beith my HOMELAND!"

Gimli ignored him and proceeded to chop the forest into pretty wood shavings.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Legolas. "CURSE YOU!" 

Suddenly an Ent thing walked by and squashed Gimli. No one really cares because he is useless.

After a moment's pause Pippen inquired, "Soooo does anybody think we should enter the fortress before they notice us and raise the drawbridge and fire arrows at us?"

"Hm." Pondered Frodo. "Maybe. But first we need a new name for Legolas's glorious device with which he can view his reflection whenever the urge strikes him, which is often!"

"Well, since it opens drawbridges we should obviously call it a, wait for it, MONKEY!" Aragorn declared triumphantly.

"Um." Stated The Fellowship. There was really nothing else to say to that particular remark.

Finally, Gandalf the Grey suggested, "How about a 'drawbridge opener'?" Proving that The Fellowship wasn't completely lacking in cranial capacity.

The former statement was speedily disproved, when Aragorn complained, "I don't see how that has anything to do with anything!"

Having wasted enough time, even though enemies rarely attack until the good guys are ready, The Fellowship responded, "Let's just go with it."

"FINE!" Aragorn harrumphed, flipping his greasy hair.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed The Fellowship as the mud and grease from Aragorn's hair splattered them.

Legolas, however, somehow contrived to stay immaculate.

And so begins our tale. Or at least part of it. Now let's go find the other characters.

In HYRULE!

We see lots of fields. Lots and lots of fields, with lots and lots of grass. IT'S SO GREEN! HOW WILL WE EVER FIND LINK! Oh there he is.

Our favorite hero was busily slicing through a random clump of grass. "YAY! A RUPEE!" he rejoiced, doing the "I found a rupee" motion.

Hmm. He appears to be hunting for money.

Linked decided that he had had enough of mowing the lawn and lifted a rock and threw it against a tree. "YAY! ANOTHER RUPEE!" He rejoiced again, doing the "I found a rupee" motion.

Suddenly Zelda appeared.

"Link, what are you doing?" Zelda asked, and rightfully so seeing as how the Hero of Time was currently cutting grass with the Master Sword and using the Power Bracelet to lift rocks and throw them against trees.

"I'm making money," Link replied, as if it was obvious. And so it would have been to anyone familiar with the "I found a rupee" noise. For those who aren't, it goes like this: dun dun dun DUN! Don't you feel informed?

Anyway, Linked continued to explain: "It doesn't grow on trees, but there's plenty in the grass. I wonder why? Are the citizens are Hyrule so careless that they go around dropping money in the grass? Even if they are, that still doesn't explain the ones inside the rocks."

Zelda sighed, "You really don't have to forage through the grass for money Link. If you need any you can always come to the castle."

"You're right!" Link agreed, "There's a lot more money in the random pots in the castle. And with those random guards you have who are completely blind and deaf it's easy to go around smashing pots without getting caught!"

Apparently Link had missed the point. At any rate, Zelda inquired, " Link, why do you have the sudden urge to get money?"

"You have NO IDEA how hard it is to support yourself when you don't have a steady income.' Link retorted indignantly. "All these years of fighting Gannondorf and doing other heroic deeds and I have NEVER been paid. YOU PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN PROPERLY GRATEFUL!"

"Oh." Zelda blinked. He was probably right. "I'm going to have to consider paying him," she mumbled to herself. "Or getting a new Hero of Time. But that would be time-consuming," she paused. "Wow, what a terrible pun."

Link ignored her and continued to forage for money.

Suddenly Gannondorf ran by.

"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I WILL RULE THE WORLD!" He croaked diabolically in his Gannondorfy voice of DOOM.

"GET OFF THE GRASS" Link shouted. He took out his sword and sliced Gannondorf into little ribbons of Gannondorfy goodness/badness. A little extreme perhaps, but this was no time to be merciful! Link's monthly income depended on this plot of grass!

Zelda stared at the pile of Gannondorfy ribbons. "Somehow I don't think this really merits paying anymore, Link. Gannondorf is really too pathetic." She remarked.

"Which is why I must continue to forage for money!" Link declared.

"Why don't you ask people to pay you to cut their grass?" Zelda asked.

"Because the COWS do that! FOR FREE! CURSE YOU COWS!" Link shook his fist in the direction of some random cows in the distance.

Suddenly the Gannondorfy ribbons, which apparently were alive because Gannondorf NEVER DIES! Shouted, "We shall have revenge!" and opened a whirlpool into time and space.

"Um." Link and Zelda replied in unison. Suddenly they were sucked in to the WHIRLPOOL OF GANNONDORFY DOOM!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

They land in front of a fortress where it looks like a random group of people are storming it with very little effort.

Link looked around. "This place looks familiar," he said slowly. Suddenly he noticed Legolas. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Link screamed, "NOT HIM AGAIN! AHHHHHHHH!"

"Is that the strange one who attacked me with a dead fish?" Zelda asked.

Link twitched. "Yes."

"Oh," she replied, looking somewhat disturbed.

IN OTHER LANDS:

Roy is training with the army that he leads due to his father's addiction to pay per view.

"I SAID LEFT! LEFT! THAT'S A CLIFF! NO! STOP!" Roy shouted in vain, pointing frantically in the LEFTWARD direction.

"Lalalalala!" Sang the army obliviously as it frolicked to the RIGHT and fell off a cliff.

Roy sighed. "That's the third army this week." He remarked to no one in particular. "And it's only Tuesday."

Suddenly a GRAND PROCESSION appears.

"HELLO CITIZENS!" Marth declared exuberantly.

"These aren't your citizens." Roy informed him, still slightly miffed about losing the army…again. "They're mine."

The aforementioned citizens all stopped to stare in a rather possessed fashion.

Suddenly feeling uneasy, Roy continued, "But you can have them if you want."

"Falchion and I are bored." Marth complained at random.

"That's nice." Roy responded, annoyed. "Our army just ran off a cliff. Again."

"Oh, I know," Marth waved his hand vaguely, "they do tend to do that. Armies I mean, not just your army in particular. I'm sure it's not your fault or anything."

Roy chose to ignore the latter part of that statement. "Yes, well," he replied, "Now we need a new army."

"Why?" Marth inquired. "Nothing ever happens around here."

Suddenly a huge swirling portal of doom opens up and swallows them.

"HURRAH!" Marth shouted as he hurtled through the vortex.

"YAY! ADVENTURE!" Roy rejoiced. "Now I don't have to tell Father about the army jumping off a cliff until later!"

The portal opens and lands them in front of the chopped up remains of a forest.

"Wow. Dead trees." Roy remarked. Suddenly he spotted something. "But over there! I SEE GREEN! IT MUST BE LINK!"

"BY GOLLY You're RIGHT!" Marth agreed.

They both frolic over to where Link is twitching on the ground.

"HELLO LINK!" Marth shouted. He paused. "…and you. Um, wait I'll have your name in a second." He paused and consulted Falchion. "Why thank you Falchion! ZELDA! That's it!"

Roy poked Link's twitching form with the toe of his boot. "What's up with Link now? There aren't any cows about. Or chickens."

Zelda shook her head, "No, but that strange blond elf is over there."

Roy peered through the smoking remains of the forest that Gimili had recently decimated. "Oh, that one? I see. That explains it. I wonder what they're up to."

"They APPEAR to be storming a fortress." Zelda stated somewhat sarcastically.

There was an awkward pause.

"I knew that."

"Then why did you-?" Zelda began.

"Because I wanted to know if YOU knew." Roy interrupted loudly. "Yes that's it."

"VENGENCE!" Link screamed suddenly, springing up and running towards the fortress waving the Master Sword about.

"That looks like fun!" declared Marth, running towards the fortress as well.

"YAY! SWORD-SWINGING!" Roy ran after Link and Marth. He wouldn't want to miss out on hacking things to pieces.

"I guess I should follow, or else the story will go on without me." Zelda remarked. She slowly followed.

AT THE FORTRESS!

Aragorn is running around and swinging his sword aimlessly. Since there are enemies everywhere this tactic actually works.

"RWARRARWRAR!" Aragorn screamed, hurling himself at the nearest hulking enemy of doom.

Legolas continued to admire himself in the shiny black "drawbridge opener". The enemies conveniently ignored him.

Frodo was busy prodding various enemies with Sting. They exploded.

Samwise Gamgee was hungry.

Merry and Pippen frolicked because their names are ever so frolicky.

Gandalf the Grey composedly bashed people with his magical staff/cane thing.

"EVIL CREATURES! IN THE WAY!" Link shouted, demolishing them all in one attack.

Aragorn continued to blindly swing his sword around.

"Um, Aragorn?" ventured Frodo.

"What! I'm BUSY!" Aragorn grunted, swinging the sword even faster.

"But the enemies are all dead," Frodo informed him.

"LIES!" Aragorn shouted. "I CAN STILL SEE THEM! BACK FILTHY BEASTS! BACK I SAY!"

"How can you see ANYTHING with your hair in your face!" Frodo demanded.

Aragorn stopped. "That's my hair? I thought they were greasy, disgusting monsters." He brushed his hair out of face. "Oh."

Link had started attacking a member of the Legolas Fanclub who just happened to look like a Legolas clone.

Legolas clone shrieked in agony. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! MY HAIR! I'm a LEGOLAS FAILURE!"

"You are officially expelled from the brotherhood of Legolas." Legolas stated snootily.

"NO! I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE!" sobbed the Legolas clone.

"FOAM!" roared Link.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the poor abused Legolas clone. He ran away and jumped in the moat, never to be seen again. He did live however. Just in case you were wondering. They just never saw him again.

At that moment Roy and Marth showed up at random.

"Darn, missed the fighting." Roy pouted for a second. "Oh well." He concluded, lighting the castle on fire.

"Falchion says we should run before we are consumed by flames," Marth spoke up. "Foolish Falchion!" He laughs like knave. Marth, not Falchion.

Everyone leaves. Aragorn's hair catches on fire because of all the grease in it.

Aragorn sighed, "My hair has always been so FLAMMABLE," he lamented.

Suddenly Gimli crawled out of the forest. Or what was left of it.

"Argh. Squished." Gimli squeaked. Being stomped on by an Ent can do that to you.

Everyone kind of ignored him. Actually, they just outright ignored him.

"Frodo, be a good lad and help me!" Gimli wheezed.

Frodo blinked, then poked him with Sting.

"AWRK!" Gimli…awrked…Then he exploded.

"YAY!" rejoiced The Fellowship.

The other characters paused, the shouted, "YAY ALSO! GIMLI WAS USELESS! EVEN WE KNEW THAT!"

There was a random sort of pause, which happens not so randomly anymore.

"So, why are we here exactly?" Roy asked nobody in particular.

Link spoke up, "The Gannondorfy ribbons of goodness/badness wanted vengeance upon me."

"Again?"

"Yes."

Zelda exhaled in annoyance. "Honestly, he can't come up with anything creative. And he's extremely Unthreatening. But everyone in Hyrule is afraid of him."

"Except ME!" Link pointed out. "YAY! But THEY NEVER PAY ME TO GET RID OF HIM! I need to set up a business."

"What kind?" asked Marth.

"Pest control!" replied Link, obviously making this up as he went along. "My motto will be, 'The company that makes Gannondorfy ribbons of goodness!'"

"That sounds like fun!" Roy commented. "Can I join?"

"Aren't you supposed to be training your army or something?" asked Link.

"They jumped off a cliff again." Roy replied somewhat sheepishly.

Link blinked. It rhymed. "Oh well, I'm sure Pharae or wherever you live doesn't really need an army."

Meanwhile back at the land where Roy lives:

The citizens all screamed in horror and ran from the evil army of doom from another land that was trying to take over.

The Father of Roy watched from the window of his castle during a commercial break. "Hm. This is annoying. What happened to our army?"

Back to Middle Earth:

Legolas continued to admire himself some more in the "drawbridge opener."

Curious in spite of herself, Zelda asked, "What is that?"

Frodo replied,"A wonderous device that opens drawbridges for us!"

Zelda peered at said device suspiciously. "It looks evil. And black. Anything black MUST be evil. Like Gannondorf. He wears black."

"Are you sure it opens drawbridges? It looks useless to me." Roy stated.

"I KNOW! WE MUST FIND OUT WHAT IT IS!" Marth announced.

Suddenly the Spirit of Falchion appeared in front of them.

"Yes, that is your mission. You must find the true purpose of this object. It will aid you in your TRUE QUEST!" The Spirit of Falchion…spirited…

Roy pointed, "Hey, it's the notebook!" (AN: refer to "Attack of the Cucoos." Actually don't because it's NOT THERE ANYMORE! ARGH! But anyway…Falchion's spirit…which is the sword Marth has….takes the shape of a notebook.)

"So, where can we find the true purpose of this object?" Link asked. There certainly wasn't anything better to do. Maybe the real owner of the thing was looking for it and would offer some reward. He needed the cash, his tunics were getting too old and holey.

"Why don't we check and see where it was made?" Marth suggested.

"GOOD IDEA!" Link agreed. "Wait, I just said Marth had a good idea. THE WORLD IS ENDING!"

Roy casually stole the "drawbridge opener" from Legolas and flipped it over. "Made in China. Where is 'China'?" He asked.

Hmmm. How to get them to China? Or rather, to some place with garages. Why? Well look the title you silly people!

Suddenly a teleporting cow appeared.  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH!" shrieked Link.

"Funny, I thought they all died on the Starship Enterprise." Zelda mused.

"YAY! TO CHINA! GO COW GO!" Roy shouted a tad too enthusiastically.

"Um." Everyone responded.

Roy paused. "Well, we have a quest to go on! And I don't want to go home or I'll have to tell my father that the army is missing. Again."

Everyone shrugged and gathered around the teleporting cow.

They disappeared is a flash of teleporting cow-ish light. What do you mean you don't know what that looks like! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A TELEPORTING COW TELEPORT! Well fine, be that way!

Alone in the desolated wasteland that was once a forest and a fortress, Gimli's particles squeaked, "Help?"

Well, that's all for today. We really don't know where the story is going yet. Feel free to give suggestions. DO IT NOW!

Sorry for all of you who hoped for a new chapter or something. Thinks are pretty hectic now, and as a junior I feel that I should be exempt from exams! Oh, I mean…I probably won't be updating for a while. Maybe during break. I have very little free time, curse it all.


	2. To the City!

Chapter 2-To the City! OF DOOM!  
  
It's been a while.......a long while.....oh well. I'm going to write THIS chapter in a non scripted manner so go with it. YAY! It's a short chapter, but I feel bad after not updating for ever and ever...  
  
After the teleporting cow incident, our random group of assorted characters appeared right in the middle of the busy metropolitan area of some random city. For the sake of being non-biased we're not going to tell you WHICH city. Use your imaginations! DO IT!  
  
The smashers looked at one another uneasily. They were surrounded by cars. From their experiences in Ness's random fighting stage cars were very painful. They all silently agreed not to go into the street but neglected to inform the Fellowship of the impending danger. Perhaps not entirely by accident either...  
  
The Fellowship was currently in several different states of shock. The level varied from one Middle Earthian to the other, but it was shock all the same.  
  
Legolas looked about, searching for a mirror in which to assess the damage done to his hair by the teleporting. Instead he caught sight of several teenaged girls. Unfortunately for Legolas (and perhaps fortunately for everyone else), he was oblivious to the horror of teenaged girls, especially girls wearing "I LOVE LEGOLAS" T-shirts.  
  
Suddenly, one of the girls spotted the strange group. "OH MY GOD!" She shrieked, "HE LOOKS LIKE LEGOLAS! LET'S GO HARASS HIM!" or something along those lines.  
  
Legolas stared. He didn't really know what "harass" meant, so he just stood there.  
  
The rest of the group had a tad bit more common sense.  
  
"They look like they're going to attack us," Link stated.  
  
"Yeah, this definitely looks like a charging attack; they even have a battle cry," Roy nodded in agreement.  
  
"WELOVEYOULEGOLAS!" Shrieked the girls in unison.  
  
"Maybe we should get out of the way?" Zelda suggested.  
  
"GOOD IDEA!" everyone but Legolas agreed.  
  
Unfortunately at that moment another group of girls appeared from around the corner sporting "I Love Aragorn" shirts.  
  
"OH MY GOD! HE LOOKS LIKE ARAGORN! LET'S GO HUG HIM TO DEATH AND THEN AUCTION HIM OFF ON EBAY!" One of the Aragorn fangirls shrieked.  
  
They proceeded to charge the group from the OTHER direction, leaving them with nowhere to go but into the middle of rush-hour traffic.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed everybody in unison. Death by cars or death by fangirls? It was difficult to gauge which would be more painful. Then again, perhaps being flattened on the pavement would mean and faster, more merciful death.  
  
Suddenly, some random police officers appeared and arrested the fangirls for "disturbing the peace" and "attempted abduction of Tolkien characters under copyright protection" and other interesting charges.  
  
"These girls are a menace to society," one police officer complained to his partner.  
  
Said partner cringed. His daughter happened to belong to the world of fangirls. Maybe a few years in the youth correctional center or rehabilitation would straighten her out. He'd have to look into it.  
  
Meanwhile, our favorite videogame characters (yes, they all are videogame characters. Don't argue with me! Play the Lord of the Rings videogame! NOW! But finish reading first.) were still standing around looking stunned.  
  
A random group of "cool" guys sauntered by in an attempt at looking suave but really ending up looking like they were seasick.  
  
"Hey, yo, where's the dork convention?" One of them yelled.  
  
"Right here!" another replied pointing to Legolas and Aragorn and company.  
  
They all laughed in unison, slapping each other five and whatnot.  
  
"I have the feeling we're being insulted," Link said, looking annoyed.  
  
"Me too," agreed Roy, unsheathing he sword, "let's kill them."  
  
"Uh, Roy?" Zelda spoke up, "That's probably not a good idea. Those girls got arrested for just screaming and being a nuisance. Who knows what they'll do to us if we kill people!"  
  
Roy looked disappointed.  
  
"I know! We'll light them on fire!" Link decided. "There's no harm in that!"  
  
Before Zelda could intervene Link had pulled out a Deku stick, which Roy lit. They proceeded to chase after the "cool" gang and light their pants on fire.  
  
The Fellowship stared. Zelda and Marth sighed. Well it wasn't like they didn't deserve it... 


	3. The Precious

Chapter 3- My Pressssssiousssssssss...Garage door opener!  
  
Thanks to all you reviewer people! YAY! I FEEL APPRECIATED! And thank you also to Mecha Scorpion for the AWESOME SHINY IDEA to put Gollum in the story! THANKS!  
  
When we last left our random assortment of people, Link and Roy were lighting some silly people's pants on fire! YAY!  
  
"Does anyone think they're having a little too much fun?" Zelda asked nervously.  
  
"Yes. In fact, I WANT TO JOIN IN!" Marth declared, and ran into the fray.  
  
Zelda sighed. It was hard being sane.  
  
Meanwhile, The Fellowship was busy having an extremely intellectual and mature conversation.  
  
"Legolas! YOU STOLE MY HORSE!" Gandalf accused, pointing imperiously at him.  
  
"I did not Gandalf!" Legolas responded, completely shocked by the accusation. His hand went over his heart as if he had been physically attacked by Gandalf's claim.  
  
"Did so!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did so!"  
  
"Um," Frodo cut in, "is it possible that you both just happen to have white shiny horses?"  
  
Both Gandalf and Legolas turned to stare at Frodo.  
  
"MY horse is the whitest and shiniest in the land!" Gandalf declared. "For I am GANDALF THE WHITE!"  
  
"But I'M the prince of Mirkwood!" Legolas argued. "MY horse should be the whitest and shiniest in all the land!"  
  
Just as they were about to "duke it out" Middle-Earthian style, Link jumped in.  
  
"I have my VERY OWN HORSE! Her name is Epona." He announced.  
  
Legolas glared at him. "Just because you didn't have to steal Gandalf's horse, doesn't mean you're any better than I am!" He sulked.  
  
"YOU ADMIT IT!" Gandalf shouted triumphantly. "YOU DID STEAL MY HORSE!"  
  
"Um...no?" Legolas tried to think of a way out of his own trap, but couldn't.  
  
Fortunately for him and his perfectly styled hair, Gollum chose this moment to appear on the scene, chased by several members of the SPCA.  
  
"We must find that poor deformed creature and bring whoever inflicted that horrible mutilation upon him to justice!" Declared one of the members.  
  
"GOLLUM! AHHHHHHHH!" Frodo screamed and hid behind Samwise Gamgee.  
  
Suddenly Gollum spotted The Fellowship.  
  
"Pleasssssssse, ssssssssaaaaveeee me!" he hissed in his Gollumish manner.  
  
"Didn't he die in the volcano?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I thought so. But since he's here, can we eat him?" Samwise Gamgee asked.  
  
Roy, who had abandoned the now smoking, charred remains of the punk gangsters, was suddenly possessed with the urge to poke something. And watch it explode. That was his favorite part. He quietly snuck up behind Gollum...  
  
Fortunately for Gollum and unfortunately for the rest of the world a group of scientists chose this moment to round the corner.  
  
"Hey, isn't he one of those genetic experiments we lost last week?" one scientist asked.  
  
"Hmm, you're right!" another scientist agreed.  
  
"NO! IT'S THE MEN IN WHITE COATS!" Aragorn suddenly burst out.  
  
"WHERE?!" Marth suddenly panicked.  
  
"THEY'VE COME TO TAKE ME AWAY!" They screeched in unison.  
  
Annoyed, Roy decided to put them out of their misery. Except he missed and hit the scientists instead. Oh well.  
  
"THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME! GOLLUM!" Gollum groveled for them.  
  
Suddenly he spotted something shiny and black.  
  
Gollum's eyes narrowed, "The pressssssssscioussssssssssssssssss" he hissed evilly.  
  
He snatched the "precious" and ran off laughing like a monkey.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO TELL IF MY HAIR IS IN ORDER?!" Legolas screamed in agony.  
  
"Why not just get a mirror?" Merry suggested merrily. Sorry, it was just so tempting...  
  
Legolas began to foam at the mouth, then took out a napkin and wiped his mouth daintily.  
  
Meanwhile, Gollum was frolicking about the metropolis.  
  
"Gollum is so glad to see the precious again!" Gollum said.  
  
Suddenly his split personality disorder kicked in.  
  
"The precious doesn't belong to us, we should return the precious."  
  
"No, Gollum has been looking for the precious for such a long time!"  
  
"The precious doesn't belong to us, we should return the precious."  
  
"Yes it does! Gollum took the precious fair and square!"  
  
"The precious doesn't belong to us, we should return the precious."  
  
"SHUT UP YOU!"  
  
"..."  
  
Gollum turned the "precious" over. There, written in super curly elvish were the words: Property of Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and owner of the whitest, shiniest horse in all of Middle Earth.  
  
"AUGH!" Gollum whapped his head on the ground. Why was his other personality always so right?!  
  
Suddenly The Fellowship appeared.  
  
"Give back what is rightfully mine!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"I could say the same to you!" Gandalf glared at Legolas.  
  
The blonde elf chose to ignore him.  
  
"But...all Gollum wanted was to park Gollum's car," Gollum whimpered pitifully.  
  
"Awww, we should forgive him." Nobody in particular said.  
  
"NO! The LAST time we decided to trust him HE BIT MY FINGER OFF!" Frodo screamed.  
  
"That's right! It took me weeks of telling Master Frodo that there truly was something worth fighting for before he would abandon the fetal position and start eating again!" Samwise Gamgee added.  
  
"Sam...what are we fighting for?" Frodo curled up in a ball and started rocking back and forth.  
  
"NOT AGAIN!" Samwise Gamgee promptly began foaming at the mouth.  
  
Meanwhile with the Super Smash Gang:  
  
"THE MEN IN WHITE COATS!" Marth continued to scream.  
  
"They're GONE now." Roy explained for the billionth time.  
  
"WAHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO! WHITE MAKES ME LOOK UNFASHIONABLE AND TUXEDO MASKISH!" Marth screamed some more.  
  
"Wait, didn't Tuxedo Mask wear a BLACK tuxedo?" Zelda asked, though how any of them knew this was beyond explanation.  
  
"But you forget the MOONLIGHT KNIGHT! WHICH RHYMES! HE WAS WHITE! AND STUPID! AHHHHHHHHH!" and Marth screamed even more.  
  
Zelda looked at Roy and Link for backup.  
  
Roy looked somewhat sheepish, "At one point I ran around calling him 'Tuxedo Marth' because of his ridiculous white outfit," he admitted.  
  
Zelda sighed. "Well, let's just get out of here before the police come back."  
  
"Right-o!" Link agreed, suddenly becoming British.  
  
Meanwhile, with The Fellowship:  
  
"What should we do with him?" Samwise Gamgee asked, referring to Gollum.  
  
"Let's throw him down this well!" Aragorn suggested.  
  
"GASP! THAT WOULDST BE CRUEL!" Gandalf gasped.  
  
Everyone stared at him.  
  
"Oh alright."  
  
While they were arguing Gollum had made his escape in his car, which he really did have. Legolas had the garage door opener though.  
  
"Oh well," Gollum muttered to himself, "Gollum will just have to find another place to park Gollum's car." 


	4. Luigi's MANSION OF DOOM!

**THE RETURN**: After millions of years….or perhaps only seconds…..the fourth installment of The Master Garage Opener hath cometh!

I vaguely remember Chrislea asking to see Mario and Luigi in this story….thus….THE NEW CHAPTER!

**Chapter the Fourth: Luigi's Mansion….has a garage. **

After Gollum had made his escape, the gang decided to wander around in search of someone who could explain this "garage opener" to them, and who would not harass them or sell them on ebay.

Several narrowly avoided car accidents later most of them had added a new phrase to their vocabulary: Pedestrian Crossing.

"It's like a jungle!" Aragorn declared. "Anyone who isn't within the magical protective barriers formed by this pattern of white lines on the ground will be KILLED!"

"And the yellow signs!" Marth added, he and Aragorn having become fellow idiots-in-arms. "They herald the coming of the white lines!"

Suddenly, they came upon a slightly creepy looking neighborhood. One house is particular seemed to be generating the creepiness, complete with dead trees, greenish fog, and personal storm cloud. Ok, so it was REALLY creepy.

Now, any NORMAL people would have continued walking, but as we all know, our wonderous band of NOT normal people were quite obviously NOT NORMAL.

"Hey, look at this creepy house," Merry pointed cheerfully, since Merry can never be anything BUT happy, given his name.

The group turned in unison to stare at the creepy house. Of doom.

After a moment's pause, they all heard a peculiar sound.

"Mario….? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrriioooo?" said the mysterious sound/voice.

Everyone jumped.

"What the heck was that!" Link demanded, looking around in a rather paranoid fashion.

"I don't see anybody," Marth remarked calmly. "And neither does Falchion," he added as an afterthought. As if anyone had thought about Falchion. Which may be why it's called an "after" thought, because after everybody thought, Falchion showed up.

"This place….'tis haunted," remarked Falchion, now in FLOATING GHOST/SPIRIT/NOTEBOOK form.

Everyone paused.

"HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!" Everyone hawed. "EVERYONE KNOWS THAT GHOSTS DON'T EXIST!"

"SHUT UP EVERYONE!" yelled the mismatched group of fictitious characters.

"You know that by saying that you've TOTALLY jinxed us all!" Aragorn shouted.

Everyone looked abashed.

"Stupid Everyone," Roy said in annoyance, "he's almost as bad is No One."

"Not as bad is Someone!" Marth declared.

Feeling sorry for himself Everyone went away.

"GOOD RIDANCE!" shouted the group.

All of the shouting seemed to have attracted the attention of several spooooky shadows coming from the creepy-and-a-half house.

"AAHHHHHHHHHH!" shouted everyone (not to be confused with Everyone) as the scary neon ghost things floated ominously towards them in stereotypical creepy ghost fashion.

A few meters in front of the now paralyzed group, which had suddenly developed the Scooby-Doo syndrome of "let's not run until they're right on top of us," the ghosts suddenly began flailing around and were pulled back in a vacuum-type effect.

"Hurrah!" cheered the group.

"What was that?" Frodo asked, having been conspicuously silent for some time, and not because the author forgot he was there.

"It appears to be a blob of some sort," remarked Pippen, who had also been conspicuously silent throughout the entire story.

While everyone thought about the enlightening remark uttered by Pippen, which really wasn't the LEAST enlightening remark ever uttered by anyone in the group, given the fact that Aragorn, Legolas, Marth, and several others happened to belong to it, the author forgot the point to the sentence and decided to start a new one.

Out of the shadows came a small, indeed blobbish, shape.

The group simultaneously leaned slightly closer, as if this would provide a better view.

Suddenly, a path of fog cleared, and the gang was confronted with the most blobbish blob that ever blobbed!

"HIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Kirby enthused, waving his blobbish little arms.

Link heaved a sigh of relief, "You really had us for a second there, Kirby."

Kirby grinned in a Kirbyish fashion and rolled around in front of the gate of the deserted house.

"So what are you doing here anyway?" Roy asked, feeling the extreme urge to poke the little blob.

"Foraging!" Kirby announced cheerfully.

"Foraging for what?" Zelda asked.

"Probably for money!" Link interjected, glaring pointedly at Zelda. "Maybe in Kirby-land they don't PAY him enough for doing, uh, whatever it is he does and he needs MONEY in order to sustain his enormous Kirby appetite. And his horse! And the new weapons and ammo he needs to buy! AND NEW TUNICS!"

"Link, Kirby doesn't wear tunics. Nor does he have a horse, or use weapons," Marth reminded him.

"Yeah, only REAL men wear tunics!" Roy chimed in, striking a Royish pose. Suddenly he noticed Legolas skipping merrily about the creepy yard of the house, which apparently was starting to lose its creepiness. "Except him," he added, "I don't know who gave HIM a tunic, but he obviously doesn't deserve one."

"I know! We'll start a BROTHERHOOD OF THE TUNICS!" Marth declared. "Now! For the pointless initiation task!" He looked around. "LET US BURN AND PILLAGE HIS MANSION!"

"An excellent plan!" Aragorn declared, having somehow decided that he would obviously belong to this Brotherhood. As if there weren't enough cults with the Legolas Fanclub, The Fellowship, and The Various Other Cults Of Which We Shall Not Mention In the Interest Of Saving Time and Space.

"LET'S GO!" shouted Marth and Aragorn, running happily into the Mansion Of Impending Doom.

Everyone else (not related to Everyone) stared after them.

"Maybe we should NOT go in there," suggested Merry.

"That would be wise," agreed Gandalf in a Dumbledore fashion.

"You're a bunch of WIMPS!" Roy declared.

"Nobody says that," Link informed him. For once Zelda was forced to admire Link's relatively mature statement. Until he added, "At least nobody COOL."

Zelda sighed.

Against the better judgment of everyone intelligent (numbering less than 3) the group decided to follow Marth and Aragorn, apparently now part of the Brotherhood of Tunics, into the mansion.

After the prerequisite scary swinging doors, flashes of lightning illuminating various cobwebby light structures, and howling wolves, the group proceeded into the lobby. Yes, the mansion had a lobby. It would have been bad form to scare visitors to death BEFORE properly inviting them in for tea.

"Where are Marth and Aragorn?" Pippen piped up.

After a moment's thought Link responded, "We'll follow the sound of pillaging and burning!"

Everyone (but not EVERYONE!) paused to listen.

Suddenly! A frightening figure in green jumped out from behind a curtain.

"WAUGHH!" screamed everyone (but NOT Everyone).

The figure brandished a vacuum at the visitors, but before he could do any damage Aragorn appeared.

"DEATH TO CLEANLINESS!" Aragorn roared whilst hacking the vacuum to pieces.

"WhOa!" the figure with the vacuum whOaed.

"Hey!" said Roy out of nowhere, "it's Luigi!"

Luigi, having been identified, stepped into view in a dramatic manner.

"I'm da FISH!" he announced.

"Wot?" Link asked in a semi-British manner.

"He's OBVIOUSLY telling us that he is a fish," Legolas announced while the rest of The Fellowship milled around in the background trying to get camera time.

"That makes a much sense as Captain Falcon," Roy commented. "He's always demanding I show him a moose. I don't know if that's creepy euphemism or he just really likes mooses."

"Firstly, moose plural is just 'moose'," Zelda began. "Secondly, he's saying 'show me your moves'. Thirdly, Luigi is saying 'I'm the best'."

"No, it really sounds like fish to me," Samwise Gamgee stated. "Trust me, I know food." He (Samwise) proceeded to surreptitiously hand the author money for allowing him to be mentioned in the story.

"Ho meh marf," Luigi Luigied.

Everyone (hehehe) stared.

"I'd forgotten Luigi couldn't speak coherently," Zelda commented.

"This is a problem!" declared Gandalf after beating several members of The Fellowship in order to be the one who said this. "I know! I shall cast a SPELL! For I AM A WIZARD!"

"Good idea!" chimed The Fellowship in unison.

Gandalf concentrated, "Eyyemoyyyeyrdmakethisfoolspeakenglishyyyeshrdyyed!" he intoned.

"What'd he say?" whispered Merry.

"I dunno," Frodo responded. "It was in elvish. Why don't we ask Legolas?"

The Fellowship stared at him.

Frodo looked somewhat uneasily at the staring group of Middle Earthians. "He HAS to know SOME elvish," Frodo pointed out, "because he's an ELF!"

Unable to deny the overpowering logic of that statement, The Fellowship turned to Legolas, who was combing his hair.

"What?" Legolas demanded.

"What did Gandalf say?" Pippen asked.

Legolas shrugged, "His accent is really bad. I couldn't understand him."

Gandalf glared, "Weryyydyyyouareafoolyyeedyyyfyddfyy," he informed Legolas.

"What? Sorry I can't understand you," Legolas said obliviously.

"fyyydwryyyWHATISWRONGWITHYOUyydddffyyyewfyyssyyffdd!" Gandalf shouted.

Suddenly, to break the cycle of elvish, Luigi spoke up.

"I do say, what is the matter with all of you?" he asked in a mad crazy British accent.

"AH! LUIGI SPEAKS ENGLISH!" Marth yelled. "IT'S SORCERY! SORCERY!"

Everyone ignored him.

"Well," Luigi began, "I'm searching for my dearest brother, Mario. Have you, perchance, seen him?"

"Nope," responded Roy.

"Maybe he was abducted by ghosts," suggested Link.

"Ho ho ho! You're a jolly chap, I do say!" Luigi chortled in a ridiculously stereotypical British manner.

Suddenly again a ghost ghosted around the corner.

"WAHH!" everybody screamed.

"HUNGRY!" Kirby chirped, popping up from under the floorboards.

"AHH!" everyone continued screaming.

"GHOST!" The ghost ghosted.

"CHOMP!" chomped Kirby.

"YAY!" everyone rejoiced!

Kirby burped and spit out a red blob. Wait, it was MARIO!

"WhOa!" Mario whOaed because it seems to be genetic. He stood up and pronounced in the stereotypical Italian accent that comes from the fact that the Japanese decided to make a crazy Italian plumber the star of a video game, "It's-a me-a MARIO!"

"I guess Mario's English is better than Luigi's," no one in particular commented.

"Mario!" Luigi exclaimed, "where have you BEEN!"

"I-a was-a abducted-a by-a ghosts-a!" Mario blatantly wasted a's.

"Oh, is that all?" Luigi sighed. At least he wasn't trying to teach Trig again.

"So…can we leave now?" Pippen asked.

"I suppose so," Aragorn said disappointedly, "I was really starting to like the place. There's such a nice layer of grime covering everything."

"Wait! The Garage Opener!" Link suddenly remembered.

"Did we KNOW it was a garage opener?" Roy asked.

"Well, we do now…" Marth added to complete the Tunic Wearing Trio.

Luigi blinked, "Well, seeing as how I didn't beat the game and my vacuum cleaner is broken… I won a stupid little tent. There's no garage."

"OH WELL!" Legolas chirped happily. "Let's go find a place with MIRRORS!"

Having nothing better to do and glad to have an excuse to escape the crazy house of doom the group left.

"Hey," remarked Roy as the house faded into the distance, "d'you remember when Mario tried to teach Java?"

"HAHAHAHA!" The super smash gang laughed so hard it ran into a wall.

"What's Java?" Samwise asked. "Can we eat it?"

"It's a computer language," Zelda explained.

"Like elvish? For computers?" asked Merry.

"Actually, I think it's stupider," Link said.

"What's a computer?" asked Pippen.

"It's a glowy box of doom," Marth explained.

Suddenly a group of people wearing strange uniforms ran up to the group of strange mismatched fictitious characters.

"Halt! You know of The Java!" one of the uniformed people shouted.

"We must take them to the MASTER!" uniformed person number 2 declared.

The random uniformed people converged upon the non uniformed people. What will happen to our random crew of random people! WHO IS THE MASTER! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME! Thus ends this spectacular episode of THE MASTER GARAGE OPENER! Send ideas via reviews for the NEXT EXCITING EPISODE! YAY!


	5. The Glowy Boxes of Doom!

**THE AUTHOR'S NOTE THAT NO ONE READS! **

Hello, all! Once again it's been an insanely long time since I've updated, and I apologize. Thank you to all of you who reviewed since the last time I updated, which may have been in the last century. Ha, I jest, but seriously it's been a long time. Now that I've made that clear, on to the story!

**The Fifth Chapter (bum bum bum):**

The night was quiet, the darkness almost oppressive. Suddenly, an anguished cry pierced the heavy shroud surrounding the quiet apartment.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried a shady-looking young man, sitting up suddenly, bereft of his shirt because clearly this was a fanservice moment.

"What is it?" asked a young woman, wearing clothes that were way too fancy to have been designed for sleeping, "You can tell me."

The young man somehow managed to look distressed and annoyingly sullen at the same time. "It's Obi wan! He….he….he gave me a B on my essay! THIS IS TOTALLY RUINING MY GPA! I'll never get into a good college now!" The young man, whom we have all guessed to be Anakin Skywalker, burst into tears.

"Essay?" Padme blinked at her psychotic husband.

Anakin sniffed pathetically, "Yes, my essay on how to be a good Jedi."

"So…what was wrong with it?"

Anakin shrugged sullenly, "I don't know. He said something about it 'reeking of the dark side'."

Padme blinked again, "I'm sure it'll be alright," she said obliviously.

However, Anakin was no longer listening. All he heard was the voice that echoed in his somewhat deranged mind.

"Join me, young Skywalker," echoed the slightly creepy voice of the Chancellor, "together….we'll get you into Harvard…."

From the inside of a completely white room in what had to be a detainment chamber, the actual stars of this story watched this strange, spooftastic scene unfold on the screen of a really cheap TV.

"So, is this a computer?" asked Pippen, as the words 'You are not expected to understand this spoof unless you have seen Episode III and you are going to or already have applied to college' flashed across the screen.

"No, this is a television, or 'TV'," Zelda answered.

"How is that different from a computer?" asked Pippen, perplexed, because that makes for good alliteration.

"The author does not claim ownership of any of the aforementioned characters!" announced the screen.

"It's a DIFFERENT glowy box of doom," Marth informed him, ignoring the screen. "See, with a computer you can CONTROL the things that happen in the glowy box, while with a TV you just WATCH what happens and scream at the glowy box as if this will affect what happens. Of course, if you're using Windows(tm) then you spend a lot of time screaming at the box too."

"Oh," said Pippen, clearly still confused.

"Don't listen to Marth," advised Roy.

Link nodded. It was good advice.

"How do we know anything about TVs and computers anyway?" asked Roy, "and how did we NOT know what a garage door opener is?"

"Well," Zelda began to try to explain the loophole in the author's logic, "we, the Nintendo characters, come from Japan, and since Japan is so technologically advanced we HAVE to know about all these devices. However, there aren't any garages in Japan! That's why we didn't know what a garage door opener was! Because it's a crazy American invention!"

No one seemed to have any trouble accepting this "explanation" despite the complete ignorance it revealed on the author's part about Japan and the obvious lack of planning or logic that is going into this story.

Suddenly the door burst open.

"Who dares malign American inventions!" demanded a uniformed official.

There was a silence. A uniformed official bursting into a room and demanding something using large words tends to do that to people.

The officer looked around, "Aw, come on. I just wanted to use the word 'malign'!"

Everyone continued to stare.

"In fact," continued the officer, "I'm not even American, in the interest of keeping this story nondenominational!"

"So," ventured no one in particular, "what are you?"

"Not telling."

"Well if you're not going to tell us….BEGONE!" Aragorn roared, in a sudden burst of random aggressiveness.

The uniformed official, who we shall name Mardy, pouted, "Well if you're going to be huffy puffy about it, I'm just going to have to take you The Master."

"The Master!" asked everyone in the room, including Mardy, in unison. They even threw in a gasp for effect.

Who is The Master! What will he do to our fabulous group of random people! How would I know! Sorry about the short chapter, but I've actually reached a total mind block and have no idea what to do next! So The Master will be a surprise for ALL of us! Suggestions welcome….


End file.
